I, the P E N I S, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as Wearing
the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
assigned task.

And if that were not all...

You have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace
carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina